A Life Full of Colors

Updated: Jun 28, 2020

| This is the 336th story of Our Life Logs |

I have lived a life of colors, starting with mostly dark shades until I finally reached the bright hues I’m in today. I was born in 1987 in Taguig, Metro Manila, the Philippines, to a Nikkei-jin (Japanese descendant) mother and a pure Filipino father. I grew up in the highly urbanized and busy streets of Las Piñas City. We were not very poor, but my parents basically lived from paycheck to paycheck.

As a young girl, I was insecure and sad because my mom was very strict and never allowed me to attend parties or sleepovers. My studies took priority over fun. On top of that, I never felt like my father cared about me. I felt unloved, unwanted, and taken for granted.

This isolation led me to rebel like any typical teenager. I’d sneak out or make up excuses to be out of the house so I could attend a classmate’s shindig. Things changed for the better after my mother went to Japan to search for greener pastures right before I started college. For the first time in my life, I got to have a little more freedom to go out and have fun. However, despite the improved social life, I still felt like there was a missing piece to my puzzle—a dark hole in my life I didn’t know how to fill. Unfortunately, in searching for it, I fell down the wrong path and landed in the wrong places many times.

I found comfort and contentment in the arms of bars, alcohol, partying, happy-go-lucky friends and romantic relationships. I was not an alcoholic, but I fell in love with the concept of blending in and just forgetting all my problems and worries. During college, I had a few official and unofficial relationships, but all of them failed which made me hate my life even more. I was broken up with for no reason by one guy and cheated on by another who was sneaking around with my best friend. These heartbreaks all made me depend more on beer, bad friends and negativities. My last heartbreak happened after college and I consider it the black area of my life that I will forever regret.

Me, the party girl, 2008.

After graduating college in 2008, I vowed to get my life together and shifted my focus from partying to building my career and physical health. I started going to the gym and trying to forget all the bad from my past. I was so determined to sail through life with positivity that I even joined a religious community to strengthen my faith.

Then June 2009 came and derailed all my progress. My friends had persuaded me to go out and have some fun. I missed the nightlife and wanted to relax from all the stress I’d been under, so I agreed. On our night out, I met a guy and just a few days later, I found myself in an unofficial relationship that was doomed to fail.

We agreed on the no-strings-attached set-up, but my mistake was that I fell madly in love with him. I felt like he was the missing piece of the puzzle I had long been searching for. We were always together, and it came to a point where I went straight to work after partying all night with him. I barely came home and my family raised concerns, but I couldn’t care less. He had become my world, and I was willing to give up everything just to make him commit to me. Well, that was a mistake.

In December 2009, he committed to another girl and everything around me felt blurry. I tried going about my daily life, surrounding myself with my sources of comfort—the bottles of beer, the loud music, the wild people—but without him, I was empty. Instead of moving on, I drowned myself in depression and despair, even wanting to end my life for this shallow reason.

Me drinking, 2009.

In the midst of darkness, I found a small glimpse of hope—the Internet. It helped me distract myself from my heartbreak. I would lock myself in my room and spend the whole day surfing the Internet and browsing social media. Through it, I got to reconnect with old friends, and one certain message got me that sparked beginning of a colorful love story.

The message was from one of my elementary classmates. We talked and made plans to meet and catch up. I warned him that I was a party girl, that I preferred bars over restaurants or coffee shops, but that didn’t scare him away. He liked me for me.

After a while, we made everything official, although I was sure we were not 100% in love with each other, because a couple months later, one small fight ended our relationship, and we both moved on with our own lives. I thought that was the end of us and I’d be alone once again.

Then, two small pink lines changed everything—I got pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby in March 2010. Not only was I hormonal, but knowing I was pregnant with a guy I just broke up with really shattered me. It was a link we’d always have even if I wanted to cut ties. I finally did tell him, and he was more than ready to be a father, but I was not prepared for motherhood.

I was enjoying the nightlife and I wanted to focus on my career first, but now my life was no longer just about me. I gave up drinking, and I finally walked away from the nightlife. And most of all, I wanted to do it all on my own. I did not want to see my ex, so I blocked all communication.

After hiding for five months, he finally wiggled his way back into my life. I still hated him and I only saw him as my baby’s father, but I let him in. Despite my coldness toward him, he did everything he could to mend our relationship. He wanted us to build a family together. As he came around more often, I got to know him more and see how genuine of a person he was.

A relative of mine passed away during my pregnancy, and my whole family came home from Japan. I saw how bravely he faced my family, and I saw how much effort he gave to comfort me in the midst of tragedy. I saw everything I didn’t see when we were previously together. I discovered that he really was a nice, loving and responsible guy. With him, I felt the love I never had during my younger years. At that moment, I realized that I really did love him and he was the one I was meant to share my life with.

Us, 2010.

When I gave birth later that year, I felt like a brand-new person. I learned how to work hard just to fulfill my baby’s needs. It brought me a chance to strive for positivity and success again. Becoming a mom gave me a new story, a new purpose, and a new path to walk.

We got married in 2011. It’s funny how love works sometimes—the one you thought you’d never want to see again turns out to be your forever. We slowly fixed all the issues we had in our relationship. We promised to love each other above everything. It only took a few months for me to become a better person, mother, and wife.

As the years went by, our love strengthened. In 2018, we had our second child. In the process, I also learned to appreciate my parents, my family, and all the good friends around me. I realized that you should not really focus on finding love but instead you should appreciate the small things, the little victories and the love that already surrounds you.

My family, 2018.

I used to spend my entire life under party lights, beer and loud music. I have come to know that acknowledging the good in your life and dealing well with bad things will lead you to that missing piece of the puzzle you have long been searching for. Beer and bad friends are definitely not the answer! They are just temporary bandages to keep your wounds and scars covered.

I am now a happily married woman with a great husband and two wonderful children. I owe this to my past failures, heartbreaks and unfortunate encounters. Without these dark hues in my life, I could not have appreciated the bright colors I’m surrounded in today. Pain and suffering have changed me, love and family have made me grateful, and I am now more than willing to become the best version of me.

This is the story of Stacie Ann Nadua

Stacie resides in the Philippines where she works as a freelance writer, a virtual assistant, a researcher, and a marketing executive. She grew up as a typical girl with a lot of unfortunate encounters that led her to drinking and bad friends for comfort, which destroyed her physically, spiritually and mentally. She finally found the missing pieces of her life through her husband and children. She says, to those holding a bottle of beer due to heartache, please throw it away. Eventually, you will come to realize that it’s not that terrible at all. Stacie turns to music, writing and quality time with family every time she feels troubled. She continues to improve herself and walk away from the dark hues in life. Stacie has recently joined a local radio program as a writer that tells about the love stories of people all over the globe. She shared her own experiences and translated her past heartbreaks in the form of writing. She also creates inspirational and educational videos for work-at-home moms and helps other parents by giving advice about love, family, babies, breastfeeding and home-based jobs. She aspires to become an influential writer and surround the world with positivity and motivation.

Stacie Ann Nadua, 2019.

This story first touched our hearts on May 23, 2019.

| Writer: Stacie Ann Nadua | Editor: Kristen Petronio |

#Love #Philippines #alcoholism #isolation #childhood #partying #heartache #relationships

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